Let That be Your Last Battlefield – and sometimes I’m an arse

 

Lt. Uhura asks if their hate is all they ever had. Kirk ruefully says, “No — but that’s all they have left.”

I took a stand recently and closed my Facebook account.  Motivated mostly out a sense that Facebook was becoming, or is, a black hole of mindlessness.  I get my news from my twitter feed,  I get pictures of friends and family on Instagram, so Facebook to me seemed redundant and divisive (it’s a great forum for us to post and repost loosely held, and often un-researched opinions which seem frequently rated to race, creed, faith, nationalism, sexism and on and on).  It caused me angst, so in removing Facebook from a daily connection, I’ve removed some of the angst.  But not all.
 

You see I just left Facebook.  No grand announcements like “Dear friends and family, I am leaving Facebook……”  No I didn’t want to be so trite, or predicable.  But I guess some folks did feel a connection to me.  Because a few have followed up with me, but for having had nearly 500 “friends” on Facebook, only a handful have actually noticed my absence, which further supports my theory that Facebook (and other social media sites) is a narcissist’s mirror.  We look and engage there because it fits our world view, not because it permits us a glimpse into someone else’s.
 

I’ve kept some of my social media presence because I suffer the same fate as most of humanity, a desire to connect, to be part of the tribe, to exist in a community.  Whether or not that community is virtual or physically accessible seems less relevant in our age.  But most of what I engage in on social media is related to personal interests, this blog and my short story, The Faith of Mars (link brought to you by shameless self promotion).  I do believe though that my departure from Facebook, the leading favorite of social media, caused some folks to read more carefully my blog, A Hopeful Hero’s View.  And then to respond.  So far it’s been my family responding, though the posts here are re-posted from a blog I wrote about two years prior.
 

My mother responded to me a few weeks ago in a nice email where she believed I was angry at the Church, at god.  I am not.  I was not.   My post in response is here, “Angry Much.”  Though I do know that I can sound bitter as the tone of some of my writings are reflective of my upbringing as a Catholic, a bit self defeatist and sounding thoroughly guilt ridden.  Then recently my father wrote to me, and if you continue to read below, you’ll find my response.
 

He shared a very powerful story of his own conversion to the Catholic Church, to his discovery of faith.  I’ll share some of the text here, edited for privacy and clarity, but the gist is the same.
 

Dear Thomas,
 

I understand most of what you are writing (I think) and there is rarely a case where my views are so different. We all learn as we get older , and, hopefully we grow into the person we want to be. I do have a different perception on the beliefs of the catholic church. In order to illustrate, I would like to share my own experience:
 

When a young man, I often visited various churches (mostly protestant). I always was curious as to what the belief encompassed as to people who where not christian, or had never heard of Jesus or God. In almost a uniform chorus, I was told they were destined to go to Hell. My thought was always, “what kind of god is this” who would be so cruel. I never joined any church until I met your mother and was introduced to a catholic priest (Msgr Baccidono). He and I had many conversations over a glass of wine or dinner, so of course I asked him the same question. His answer (which I paraphrase here} was ” why, we are all children of God, and all have the same right to heaven”. I embraced this church because of its openness, so I was baptized ……… I still believe this is one of the biggest, most important aspects of any religious outlook. I recognize that there are many positives about other beliefs and I certainly don’t know as much as you about the various religions, but this is where I am. It saddens me that the catholic church is so slow to acknowledge how to include its people who are not in “perfect” communion with what the hierarchy teaches, but I am reconciled by the belief that the last say on this is not in their hands.
 

Anyway, these are some of my thoughts. I also believe that no matter if you believe in God or not, he loves you like I do, as a son, and he like me, embraces you for what you are and where you are. My hope is that all people will one day learn to accept our differences as an asset as opposed to a liability.
 

Of course I responded.  In a fashion very different than how I did to my mother as reference prior; my mother’s faith was always part of her life, it wasn’t something she found, it was something she was born into.  My father on the other hand, is a very intelligent man, who discovered faith as a young man.  Hi is so powerful (he reminds me of Captain Kirk in so many ways).  I wanted him to better understand my basis of atheism that comes from my own learning, observing, much as he has and does.  I would love for him to discover that my journey to non-belief in some fashion mirrors his own into belief.  However, I am afraid that my response was too harsh, and certainly that it was too much about me; it was selfish.  Talk about a narcissist.  All the same, I thought I’d share it with you.
 

Dear Dad,
 

I’m glad that your experience of faith has brought you better understanding of the meaning of life, of joy and of compassion.  That said, of course it remains your subjective experience of faith.  (Note – I really regret these words, more for tone than for content, but talk about sounding like Richard Dawkins…). There is no evidence of an objective deity, creator, etc. who interacts with humanity on a personalized level, and every testament of faith is personal.  Even the scriptures, both Judeo-Christian and Islamic, are subjectively interpreted, re-written (for many, many centuries), edited based on current leaders of the particular faiths, and are in and of themselves no longer “original”.  I read recently “If man could know god,  then there is no need for belief or faith because the knowing would be universally experienced.”
 

I have no desire that you should leave your faith.  In this world, where control, the ability to manage and experience love and life, are so fleeting, if your experience of faith gives you hope, respite and joy, then I would have you experience and practice that faith as often as you can.
 

My experience of faith did not give me those things, not even as a young man.  Remember Dad, I am not a young man, I’m nearing the later half of my own life, with another 30-40 years to live if I should be so lucky.  So my entry into atheism was not a path I happened upon, and did not happen because my faith experience was poor or bad, it happened because as I discovered thinking independently of my upbringing, independently of my white, American culture.  Atheism is for me not the answer to question, but the question itself.
 

Ask 10 to describe their knowledge and experience of god and you’ll have 10 answers.  Ask 1,000 scientists to explain the theory of relativity and you’ll have one.
 

Burkett Family 1940’s – my father in the front standing, his father’s hands on his shoulders

Never stop pursuing the truth of your faith as you know it.  I do not ask nor expect this of you or anyone.  What I ask, and why I blog about my atheism, my de-evangelicalism, is that one asks the question why.  Then asks the question why again.  Then asks the question why again.  Then asks the question…………forever.
 

For me I have no beef with the Catholic Church except in that she teaches her faithful that some people are “less than”.  It is an endemic illness and fundamental flaw of this hierarchal and antiquated way of thinking that does not allow me to accept her basic tenants of how to think or believe.  Any organization that claims to have a handle on “objective truth” simply is not one I will support or trust.
 

As an atheist I do not believe in god, that’s it. That is the definition of being an atheist.  I also don’t believe in ghosts, elves, fairies, Santa Claus or that the moon is made of cheese.  As an atheist this does not mean I have any sort of “religion”. I do not.  My other opinions, those of science, maths, evolutionary studies, astrophysics, astronomy, quantum mechanics, theories of relativity, of space-time, well those are things I am learning, that I support as they are reviewed by educators, scientists of those fields.  But all of these things are subject to change, of being proven through scientific theory or de-bunked based on new learning’s and evidence.  They are none of them, not a single 1, absolute.  They are as true as they are based on observation, measurement, testing, repetition and peer review and evaluation.  Why it wasn’t until 1905 that Einstein’s famous theory of relativity helped to explain the relationship of energy, mass and light.  This new formula allowed us for the first time to create ways to observe space-time, measure the effects of gravity, predict the movement of light in the universe, and create and formulate the theories of the origins of the universe in a way that was more than speculation, but could be measured through understanding of the distance of stars relative to each other, relative to us.  Just think, that was only 110 years ago.  In this time for the first time we are able to explore in an actual and real way our own solar system, better know our planet and her history, and predict how and where we originated.  The exciting thing, Einstein’s theory of relativity doesn’t hold up in the universe of extremely small things, and hence we’ve entered into the new age of discovery called quantum physics.
 

Sorry for the diatribe there, I get excited when I think about just how incredibly amazing and complex the universe is, how awesome, inspiring, and all those things.  And now, nearly 25 years as an atheist, I have no fear, no doubt that my lack of belief in deities or supernatural things has caused me harm, but instead has brought me only learning, wonder, joy and fulfilment.
 

Sadly though here’s the rub – people of great faith, strongly indoctrinated believers, have a very hard time interacting with people such as myself, atheists who have no, that is absolute zero belief in the supernatural.  The frame of reference breaks down, the ability to relate, to grow, to love seems handicapped.  On some level those who have faith have fear and regret that those of us who do not will not experience the “rapture” of immortality based on the particular belief system (though for any faiths there is no after life, for instance the Jews, Buddhists on some level (one would argue that true Buddhism is more a philosophy than religion), even on some levels Hindus and many others).  The faithful have a sense of loss when encountering an atheist. There is a sense of distrust – “If you don’t follow the rules and regulations of a divine life, where then do your morals come from?”  Rather than expound upon this I would refer you to Franz De Waal, a primatologist (and an atheist) who is an expert on societal behaviors amongst primates – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GcJxRqTs5nk.  He is a renowned and respected expert in this field, particularly in his observations of Bonobos – a species of great apes closely related to Chimpanzees, and by default, humans.
 

For me if the context of a person’s life and ability to dialogue is driven solely in faith, god, theology, then we shall have indeed little to speak on past that point.  I have studied the theology of the catholic church, but have chosen to expand my research and learning’s far beyond that expertise. I still read the teachings of the Church not from a place of wanting to know, but from curiosity born of my own education as a seminarian.  But I read these theologies much as a person would read the stores of Aesop, Homer, Dante’s tale of the inferno, of all myths and legends. You must remember me as a boy, immersed as I was in fantasy – science fiction, super heroes, etc.  This fascination has not declined with my age, but rather has expanded.  But now included in my love of all things fantastical I lump in theology.  There these things are the same to me as superman, King Arthur and Excalibur, Beowulf.

 

 

I appreciate that you would pray for me, because it gives me great joy to know that you think of me.  I would not ask that you not pray for me because I would not want to think you’d stop thinking of me.  What I would ask that you try to understand, reconcile even, that I have no loss in being an atheist.  None.  My life is full, rich, joyful, exciting.  Do I fear the future, that is the end of my life? No I do not. No more so than I have fear or regret of life before I was born.  For me my death is the same as the world was before I was born – and so there, for me, is no loss, only acceptance that this universe, in all her marvelous wonder shall continue to be as she is, and my time, my awareness for this better part of a century is simply, and utterly mine for the moments I am here.  The context is, I get to share those moments, this nearly a century with others who also, for a moment, are aware and wandering.  To quote Mark Twain, “I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions  of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”  My friends and lovers here with me add to the rich and wonderful fabric of life.
 

……….it occurred to me that there was simply too much sorrow, regret, anger maybe, from folks (family mostly) about my life as an atheist and my ever increasing vocalization of atheism and why it is the truth, for me.  I do know, that for a fact, atheism is a growing reality in the world.  Many nations are nearly atheist (the Netherlands, Sweden, Denmark, to name a few – and coincidently are the most educated and considered the happiest nations on earth).  If my explanation of atheism and my experience of de-evangelicalism can help another find peace and resolve, I then I must share my story.  Not so as to convert a person to atheism, but to expound upon my atheism as one who was at one time a fully indoctrinated theological scholar.  Based on our families reaction to my vocalization of atheism I have distanced myself.  If the context of my relationship with my family is faith, then that context for me does not exist.  My relationship is not a mutually beneficial one. I do not wish to de-convert family but nor do I wish to be subject to theological barbs or postulations………..
 

You and mom are the greatest sources of inspiration for me.  Your own struggles in life to be a good father, to be a great man, to understand your faith, your life, your role in this world are remarkable and worthy of admiration.  Do not for a moment believe that I hold you in less regard because you are a Christian, in fact the opposite is true…………
 

Love

Thomas

Angry Much

FOLLOW ME at www.thefaithofmars.com

 

Recently I created a bit of personal online drama when I "unfriended" some folks from Facebook, including family members.  My reasoning was this "family" was mostly extended (though did include some immediate members).  I receive a kind letter from my mother, edited below as a response and I wanted to share my thoughts to her in a post as they seem pertain to many atheists who often hear the words, "you're just angry at god or the church."

 

Dear Thomas,

 

I enjoyed your blog about death and dying. I started a comment, but I lost it before I finished.

 

I know you care about humanity.  You are compassionate.

I feel you are angry about where your life has taken you thus far. Hasn't been easy I know. Do you think the Catholic Church lied to you and made you beleive in a god and forced its rules on you?

 

I know you dislike being judged and so do I. I do not care that you are gay and atheist. However, I worry about anger.  I know you are a good man, love yourself.

 

Love you,

Mom

 

My response to my mother:

 

Dear Mom,

 

I'm sorry you have the impression that I'm angry with where life has taken me. I think you must be reacting to my recent strongly worded reply to a Facebook post you liked, the one about sharia law as posted by a religious right Christian group based in Arizona. What makes me angry is when people, even people like yourself, repeat rhetoric they've heard.

 

I'll give an example of this that you and others have all expressed in the last few months via liking posts on Facebook or directing posting graphics on the topics of Islam, Muslims, in which these "memes" imply that in some way Muslims and followers of Islam or their basic beliefs are wrong or bad, and that they wish to cause harm to Americans, to Christians and are actively trying undermine society.

 

 

My "anger" about this comes from blatant ignorance. My point in responding to you as I have is that you are espousing and repeating opinions given to you by others without your own critical evaluation of the information as it is presented. The truth about the specifics of Islam is that most Muslims, like most Christians, seek peace, love, happiness and security for themselves and their families. They find this through their communal worship of Allah-just as Christians do through  communal worship of Christ.

 

It seems we have been taught as American Christians (most of us) that our enemy is any person or persons who do not espouse Christian/American beliefs. So yes, this way of thinking does make me angry. Not because others don't have a right to their opinion, but because the distrust comes from something someone else told them and this information is often accepted blindly and without critical review or thought.  If we all made the effort, as Americans specifically, to better know and appreciate cultural and religious differences we would be more at peace and ease with those differences between us. In fact, we would embrace and encourage these differences.

 

You're right to assume I can be more critical of Christians in America, of those close to me such as yourself and the family. I am more critical because I myself espoused those opinions and beliefs at one time, based simply on what I was told, taught and how I was raised culturally as a Christian and an American.  My assumptions once held were not based on what I learned or studied but were simply assumed to be true.

 

I simply am at a point in life where I cannot tolerate hypocritical thinking and erroneous belief as a part of my life or to influence me. This perhaps makes me seem angry. But I am not angry at religion, faith or belief systems.  More at intolerance and bigotry those systems can lead one to embrace.

 

I hope you do not think I am regretful of where life has taken me .  Indeed, I have met some of the most wonderful and interesting people from all walks of life and from all faiths. My journey from boy to seminarian to priest to married man has been glorious. Perhaps I do feel some regret in that I did not study zoology or physics, topics I have always enjoyed.  I wonder how things would have been different had I not chosen to study philosophy and theology. Still, instead of letting regret make me bitter I'm using that energy to study and learn those wishful things now. Who knows, maybe someday I'll have the chance to study primates or learn more deeply about quantum theory. My point is this,  I have discovered that I must avoid my own hypocrisy and that I must be true to myself and my own formed opinions and notions.  Ideas presented to me by others deserves review and evaluation before acceptance or rejection.

 

The Catholic Church didn't lie to me in that the beliefs espoused by her members, you and I included (me at one time), are the result of theology and philosophical evolution on the theories of a universe created by a god; indeed for those theologians and philosophers, these theologies go beyond theory and become their Truth. I was raised and indoctrinated in this theology much as you were; being born into a society that simply assumes much of, if not all of, its tenants and beliefs to be true without personal critical evaluation, critical study or review. I suppose that this is the dark side of a cultural theological community such as ours. It was when I began to study religion and philosophy at Conception Seminary College I was amazed to learn from the educators, from the monks, that religious belief was globally diverse. I learned that Christianity had only been practiced for less than 1% (.008%) of human history (we as a species has existed approximately 250,000 years or so). Learning that much of the world, if not the majority of the world is in fact not even Christian, well, what a revelation! My mind immediately questioned the validity of the belief system I had been culturally raised in and I discovered that evidence for and of the system of belief I had been taught and raised in was simply and totally hearsay based upon theological and philosophical theory. This realization was the seed of my atheism.

 

Now of course as a young man and young seminarian I thought, "but my whole family believes this so it must be true and that "faith" would give me insight."  So I continued to live in and attempt to embrace the Catholic Christian Faith. Now, looking back, I deeply regret my ordination to priesthood because at the time I was ordained I knew I didn't believe in god, Jesus, or faith. But still my hope was that by emerging myself into a Catholic community of the faithful as a priest that faith would awaken within me. That didn't happen and instead found myself more at odds with Christianity and theological belief. It was cemented for me visiting Jerusalem.  There I witnessed a place of pure hatred stemming from theology. Jews hating Muslims, Christians hating Jews, and Muslims hating Christians and all visa versa. It was shocking to my naïve eyes that these three faiths which all teach a system of belief in peace, love and harmony so outwardly act from a place of hatred and anger toward each other because each insists and believes they are the full  embodiment of Truth as they see revealed to them as their god showed them.

 

Once back home from Israel I spent my days listening to Catholic Christians confess petty sins such as pride, doubt of faith, white lies, sexual fantasies while at the same time they refused to help the poor, the disenfranchised, the lonely (my story about Sandy at the mental hospital had years before been my first taste of Christian hypocrisy). Even at the Abbey of St Walburga the nuns often confessed to me the same petty sins as folks in mainstream society: gossip, lies, backbiting, fear, doubt of faith. Their faith did not make them more spiritual, it, like any closed community of like minded believers, gave them the chance to escape the general population and find community and comfort, "bird of a feather." The more time I spent amongst Christians the more I realized their belief generally was a habit, not a religious or education awakening of the mind or spirit, but an excuse to indulgence ignorance - "if I know God through my church what else do I need to know?"

 

 

This does not make me angry. It awakened in me a great curiosity. For if religion or faith is a construction of society then what is the nature of the universe?  This has been my awakening. The desire to better know the fundamental nature of reality around us. I have found that science does not rely upon cultural dogma created in a manner that is unchanging or not evolving based simply on tradition. Science does not seek just to provide answers, it also asks questions. So no, my lack of belief does not make at all angry, it gives me hope; for my departure from belief I have found the ability and the great desire to ask a simple question - Why?

 

 

It does make me a bit sad that you think I'm angry. I think most of my friends describe me thusly - "eccentric, quirky, funny, smart, silly, artistic, fun-weird." That you are worried these are not qualities in me and that it is anger which drives me, well that means you simply don't know me.  Perhaps it is fear that I discovered a truth many believers fear, that is all that which they have believed may in fact not be true.  My experience with our family, both immediate and extended, is they are intolerant of divergent thinking. They judge others based on the last moment of interaction. Did you know in the last nearly 20 years since I left the priesthood not a single person who is a member of our family has ever asked me why I left?  They assume it is because I am gay (not the reason).  Most of my "family" stopped interacting with me or it seems, would refer to me in the context in which they last understood me, which was when I was a priest or seminarian.

 

So I'm not angry, but I don't, as my husband likes to remind me, suffer ignorance. It was my own acceptance of belief, that is my cultural upbringing in faith where I was told and taught how and what to think without critical evaluation, well this lead me to become a priest and in so becoming discovered it was something unfair to myself, to you and dad, and the people I served as a priest. That personal act of ignorance gives me pause and regret but not anger. I don't dwell in that regret but am now trying to better understand how or why I walked that path for so many years, feeling and knowing that I didn't ever really believe it. It seems I am asking that great scientific question - Why?

 

 

You are a marvelous woman mom. I love you. You're powerful and intelligent.

 

Always ask that question - Why? And then ask it again and again and again. The world and this universe are incredibly marvelous- even without the cultural experiences of faith.

 

Love

 

Thomas

The Desire to ever become a creature of wonder

Dear “Friends”:

Here is a post I have wanted to write for a while mostly because it is cathartic to put these thoughts out into the universe.  No doubt I shall offend some of you and loose some of you as followers (friends?), but I want to make clear my view on the world and my place in it.  As some of you may know, I genuinely do not have the desire that you should think or believe as I do, but I absolutely must insist that each of us think for ourselves, that we read, research, be open.  I maintain that if our source of information is only the news, media, social posts or headlines – we have heard no news, learned nothing, have simply been manipulated so as to become a consumer of a product – that product is false information whether it be from FOX, CNN, Huffington Post, or elsewhere.

So I want to present the heart of my thoughts arising from the current political and social context– full disclaimer, I am as many define, Liberal, socialist.  That said I did not grow up in a liberal household.  I did not go to liberal colleges or universities – just the opposite in fact.  But then these words liberal and conservative are generally used to refrain, define or confine a way of thinking.  I’m really more of an enigma I guess.

So here I am today:

·        I have deep anathema to racism.  Yes, I am a white (privileged) male.  Even still I have experienced racism, for example during the 1^st gulf war I was attacked in Missouri by a group of boys (in a pickup truck of all things) who threw bottles and rocks at me, called me derogatory names and screamed that I should return to Iraq.  And all my life I have been asked, “are you Mexican?” “are you Arabic?”  “are you……?”  why should that even matter?  I just don’t understand how a human being becomes a racist – to paraphrase Dr. Bill Nye, race is barely even skin deep.  This topic is so beyond my comprehension that I honestly cannot fathom how or why this is an issue in our world.  Yet it is. I know that I must do more to oppose racism for my silence in the face of racism is my consent.  Right now, today, people who are not white are hated because this country, the USA, was founded on the principle that not all lives matter, that some lives matter more, especially white lives.  So in today’s climate, the outrage, the riots, the marches, protests MUST happen because without revolt the status quo shall continue to be okay. 

·        I am opposed to the universal access we as Americans have to obtain guns.  I believe very strongly that there must be stronger gun laws; I’m not calling to ban guns, but rather to restrict such easy access.  Seriously, it’s easier to obtain a gun than to adopt a PUPPY!!!  It is easier to obtain a gun than to get a driver’s license. It is easier to obtain a gun than to obtain a marriage license.  Really?  This is okay? 

·        I am opposed to hunting for sport – ever.  It is no longer necessary.  It is not a sustainable activity.  It serves no purpose other than to kill, destroy.  It seems to me that “sport” hunting serves no purpose other than to satisfy some strange primordial need to control another living beings presence, to the point of death (yes, yes I know about herd and population management, which is now a necessary evil because we destroyed the environment and healthy populations of natural predator to prey levels).  As we study space and search for life outside our known solar system, galaxy it seems that life may in fact be quite rare, unique and special and so too the wonders of life on this little ball of rock should be valued, preserved by we simians who know that life is precious and valuable.

·        I believe that the militarization of our police forces is unnecessary and creates unnecessary conflict between the people of society and the militarized authorities (such as a militarized police force).  In my mind, police violence becomes so horrific and unbearable especially because the men and woman who are police are thought to be the very heroes and protectors of peace and harmony, yet they fail so much because they are created, trained and taught in an environment where it is believed, as I stated earlier, that not all life is matters.  It is the role of the peace keepers to de-inflate, not inflate.  It is the role of peace keepers to bring peace, not to bring chaos.  I can tell you, if you hand a person a powerful tool, they will want to use this tool.  It simply is in our nature. When I was a little boy I dreamt of being a cop.  Now they’re in my nightmares.

Those are a few “negatives”, the things that have me thinking, but what about the positives?  These are the things that get me out of bed in the morning and offer a glimmer of hope.  I post mostly about these things below because they make sense to me and help me appreciate the “me” of myself. 

·        Biology - Developments in animal study and research in biology amaze me.  These last 20 years have been an amazing age of discovery of animal science, evolutionary science and the amazing connections that all living beings share on this little ball of rock.  The wonders and mysteries of life, how it is evolved, surviving, and yes in some ways still thriving amaze me.

·        Evolution - Research on our simian cousins (and many other species) is literally changing the way we understand not only evolution overall, but our own evolution as a species.  Linguistic studies, the pattern of thought and the socialization of these amazing creatures, apes especially but many other animals, have indicated just how very much the same we simians, and all living things truly are. 

·        Astronomy – now this is the age of discovery.  What we have learned in the last 10 years, 5 years and 1 year is unprecedented in discovery.  We are literally discovering not only the local solar neighborhood, but are exploring and discovering the very nature of space-time itself.  The universe is bigger than infinite and so mysteriously complex that knowing the universe will take all of time and then some to scratch the surface.

·        Physics – I wish I had discovered physics more deeply as a young man.  Seeing how perfectly math helps us understand matter, energy and how they interact with each other. The pure simple brilliance of the Theory of General Relativity makes so clear how and why the universe is what it is.  It leaves us guessing the very first part of how it came to be but that’s okay because so far, as we have started to open our eyes and minds to discovering things that only 100 years ago most believed were impossible I know we shall discover the nature of the universe and her beginnings.

·        Atheism – well you surely know I’m a former catholic priest, a former Christian.  I became an atheist while in college (before I was a priest) but didn’t understand my atheism until much later.  Then upon realizing I was and had been an atheist, I left this pursuit of atheism at the side and didn’t embark on truly understanding my own atheism until the last few years.  What I have discovered recently is not just that atheism for me is a valid and rewarding way to live, it has helped me to understand better the human need, the psychology of the human mind that NEEDs religion.  I do not question the why of or for existence.  I question the human spirits need to have a “raison d'etre”.  Our fear of mortality seems to drive us, coming I suspect from our evolved sense of flight or fight (or as new behavior studies say we have a third response to stress which is “freeze”).  Anyway, atheism didn’t take anything away from me, but has given me the drive, the desire, the want to not find meaning in my own life, but to better comprehend the discovery of the mysteries of our universe through better comprehension of biology, physics, astronomy, maths and other sciences.

So here’s the rub.  I’m disengaging from people who have an agenda for me.  Recently unfriended several “family” members who haven’t really spoken to me in 20 years or so, but suddenly feel the need to talk to me about “Jesus” or God.  My life is so much richer and full without “faith” in deity or divinity.  If your only context or experience with me comes from my days as a priest or Christian you have to move on.  Engage me as the man I am today, not the child I was then.  Yes I was a Christian/priest.  Yes, it was a mistake for me to have chosen that life (I was young and foolish and really didn’t know any better).  But I’ll tell you, in the last 20 years that I’ve not been a priest or Christian a lot has happened.  I have lived all over the USA, fallen in and out love a few times.  I have faced sorrow, loss, illness and health.  I’ve read some great books, seen some good movies, drank too much and sometimes not enough. 

Listen, if your life is full of fear of losing something because of words or mind-sets like “that’s my heritage” – “you’re stepping on my rights” – “that not how things were when I was a child” – “I don’t like all this political correctness” – or if you’ve ever hated someone because they’re different in creed, sexual orientation, skin color or race, social beliefs, then I don’t know if we should be friends or if we have enough common ground to walk together.  Those things are also a source of anathema to me. 

I can admittedly be a bigot.  I’m trying not to be. 

I can admittedly be intolerant.  I’m trying not to be (when it comes to supporting others rights to live and let live – I am and shall remain intolerant of hatred, bigotry, cruelty, sexism, greed, or a theology or creed that allows a person to hate).

I am also a lover.  I am becoming ever more a creature of wonder.  I am an explorer, if only in my own mind, I am exploring.  I am trying to let go of the fear of not being significant, because my significance is not relevant, but rather reveling in the joy of being alive is.  I am for this unimportant blip in the experience of space and time, aware of myself.  That is the wonderful mystery of my own cognitive musings; awareness, this awareness in life as it seems so incredibly rare in the universe, at least from the .0000000000000000000000000000001^10,000% we have observed, is what makes life have its meaning.  I value this life and all those living, wonderful beings around me. I value the fabric of the universe in all her mysteries that seem so incredibly marvelously endless.